A Life Instead of Mere Living

[This is a part of my letter to Aurica]

I miss you so much it’s not even funny. There has been a sudden, rather unexpected change in my life. I don’t know how it happened, I guess it was lurking inside me, clouded by all the material thoughts, by all the stuff that WAS NOT ME. Suddenly I just shook off my lethargy and started to THINK again. And thoughts have been bombarding me for the past few weeks. It almost feels like the old times when we were talking about the universe and the meaning of life. I found out that I am not ready to grow up. “Never disagree with your youth...” If growing up means to stop dreaming and reflecting on life, then by all means...NEVER GROW UP... I look back and I see that I’ve spent the past two years of my life in some kind of oblivion – worrying about everyday stuff, about absolutely inessential things, just making it through the day, languishing... Slowly a phrase made its way to my mind: A Life Instead of Mere Living… It began as a craving for creativity and nostalgia for philosophical conversations and it transformed into a quest…a quest for…God I would say, God in His purest form, God as energy, God as the universe, as the purpose of life. I have been studying Theory of Religion and one of its subjects fascinates me: atheism. It bewilders me how people can be atheists. I have been talking to people who don’t believe in God, trying to understand them, to study them…and don’t misunderstand me – my idea of God is as broad as it gets, it expresses my belief that there is a deeper purpose behind life and creation. A purpose that could in no way be random. I guess I’m lucky to have that belief inside me, today a friend of mine told me she wished she could believe in something, anything…
I have to stop because my eyes are welling up… I’m listening to Lisa Gerrard and the moon is shining into my window, what a beautiful moment… Wandering Star… I’ve missed those moments… Moments when you hear the world’s heart beating inside you, when you’re overwhelmed with beauty. Running in your veins like alcohol… Lisa Gerrard can do this to you:)
I don’t know how atheists could appreciate the beauty of life the way I can. They are living a full-blooded life, I am sure, but there is no magic in their life, no transcendental pursuit, no purpose. How could you believe that your soul is purposeless? How could you believe that the diversity of this world is accidental? How could you believe that music is godless? How can there be Spirit without God?
All of these thoughts led to questions, questions I’ve asked myself before but never really answered, maybe they were waiting for the right time to emerge… Questions about the mind, about reincarnation, about creativity, about the soul… I believe in reincarnation. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Maybe because I’ve known it since I was a child (my father used to talk to me about those things) or maybe because it really sounds reasonable and…wise. It sounds like a well thought out system. A system where things like guilt, judgment and fear are superfluous simply because our main goal is to evolve. No one will be judging us when we die, so we shouldn’t judge ourselves. Self-love, it seems to me, is one of the most important things in life.
The moon is setting behind the trees…
All of these thoughts were triggered by a video about “life between lives”. It is fascinating and it really makes sense to me:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0QDT58Q6Zxo

Watch all the parts if you can.

Looking at life from this new perspective is rejuvenating. Everything seems different now. A lot of things that seemed important yesterday are insignificant today. For example I know that when we die we define every aspect of our new life: our parents, our country, whether we will be victims or winners…so I am really interested in what I chose. I have been ignoring my parents and my problems with them and now I know I have to deal with this because it is an important step in my development. I chose it because I have to deal with it.
It’s all about learning. But not a cognitive kind of learning. A spiritual kind. It can be done through meditation, through transcendental, mystical experiences… It made me think of trying mushrooms. It seems like a good way to open your mind.

“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.”
- William Blake

Look for God... The first place I will look will be deep within me.

I guess I’m a proper New Age follower.

Another thing that seems important to me is LETTING GO. I just realized this couple of days ago. It seems that it is not the point to stuff your mind with ideas, to fight fear or depression, the point is in letting go, releasing yourself from everything you know, everything you fear, setting yourself free. Your mind needs space to reach the truth. Here is a quote from Salinger’s Teddy that describes this very well:

"You know Adam?" Teddy asked him.

"Do I know who?"

"Adam. In the Bible."

Nicholson smiled. "Not personally," he said dryly.

Teddy hesitated. "Don't be angry with me," he said. "You asked me a question, and I'm--"

"I'm not angry with you, for heaven's sake."

"Okay," Teddy said. He was sitting back in his chair, but his head was turned toward Nicholson. "You know that apple Adam ate in the Garden of Eden, referred to in the Bible?" he asked. "You know what was in that apple? Logic. Logic and intellectual stuff. That was all that was in it. So--this is my point--what you have to do is vomit it up if you want to see things as they really are. I mean if you vomit it up, then you won't have any more trouble with blocks of wood and stuff. You won't see everything stopping off all the time. And you'll know what your arm really is, if you're interested. Do you know what I mean? Do you follow me?"

"I follow you," Nicholson said, rather shortly.

"The trouble is," Teddy said, "most people don't want to see things the way they are. They don't even want to stop getting born and dying all the time. They just want new bodies all the time, instead of stopping and staying with God, where it's really nice." He reflected. "I never saw such a bunch of apple-eaters," he said. He shook his head.

***

"May I ask why you told Professor Peet he should stop teaching after the first of the year?" Nicholson asked, rather bluntly. "I know Bob Peet. That's why I ask."

Teddy tightened his alligator belt. "Only because he's quite spiritual, and he's teaching a lot of stuff right now that isn't very good for him if he wants to make any real spiritual advancement. It stimulates him too much. It's time for him to take everything out of his head, instead of putting more stuff in. He could get rid of a lot of the apple in just this one life if he wanted to. He's very good at meditating."

And here’s another one:

Teddy got up. "I better go now. I don't want to be too late."

Nicholson looked up at him, and sustained the look--detaining him. "What would you do if you could change the educational system?" he asked ambiguously. "Ever think about that at all?"

"I really have to go," Teddy said.

"Just answer that one question," Nicholson said. "Education's my baby, actually--that's what I teach. That's why I ask."

"Well . . . I'm not too sure what I'd do," Teddy said. "I know I'm pretty sure I wouldn't start with the things schools usually start with." He folded his arms, and reflected briefly. "I think I'd first just assemble all the children together and show them how to meditate. I'd try to show them how to find out who they are, not just what their names are and things like that . . . I guess, even before that, I'd get them to empty out everything their parents and everybody ever told them. I mean even if their parents just told them an elephant's big, I'd make them empty that out. An elephant's only big when it's next to something else--a dog or a lady, for example." Teddy thought another moment. "I wouldn't even tell them an elephant has a trunk. I might show them an elephant, if I had one handy, but I'd let them just walk up to the elephant not knowing anything more about it than the elephant knew about them. The same thing with grass, and other things. I wouldn't even tell them grass is green. Colors are only names. I mean if you tell them the grass is green, it makes them start expecting the grass to look a certain way--your way--instead of some other way that may be just as good, and may be much better . . . I don't know. I'd just make them vomit up every bit of the apple their parents and everybody made them take a bite out of."

"There's no risk you'd be raising a little generation of ignoramuses?"

"Why? They wouldn't any more be ignoramuses than an elephant is. Or a bird is. Or a tree is," Teddy said. "Just because something is a certain way, instead of just behaves a certain way, doesn't mean it's an ignoramus."

"No?"

"No!" Teddy said. "Besides, if they wanted to learn all that other stuff--names and colors and things--they could do it, if they felt like it, later on when they were older. But I'd want them to begin with all the real ways of looking at things, not just the way all the other apple-eaters look at things--that's what I mean."

***

And last but not least: creativity. This was maybe the trigger for all my thoughts - my craving TO CREATE. I’ve been thinking what creation is and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a connection with the force of life, with the transcendent, call it God, call it universal energy, call it what you want… The creator is translating the beauty of life. We are just conductors, messengers of the universal mind. This is why creativity is so important – because there’s a message to be transmitted. And this message can be heard in a free, meditative state of mind, when you let go of everything…

"The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their primitive forms - this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness."

- Albert Einstein

All of this and a lot more has been going through my mind. I never thought I was a religious person!

I am happy. I see more, I feel more, I think more. I’ve woken up.


P.S. I wish it could be spring so I could spend more time in nature… I’m spending too much time in front of the computer.