how about a positive story? :P

Кой съм аз?

арлекин съм
мъртъв за живота
чужд на смъртта


"Ощ" не дава отговори, а самото то е отговор, който може и да не разберете, но ще почувствате сами за себе си.


- Веселина Сариева

circumlunar

обичам те, мая
ти си част от мен
но аз не съм ти
аз дори не съм аз
защото съм в теб
но теб те няма

ааааh jed

A With Living

Trust the shuffle
Turn on the volume
Close your eyes
And ride

Do nothing
Make nothing
Say nothing
Think nothing
Being right feels good
But feeling right is best

Death?
I've been dead for years
I just never saw it
Look ma, no eyes!

I write the lines for your silence
Your bluffs are empty
Your roads are empty
You can't control us
You can't control us
Anymore

The name of the game is Life

Heal yourselves!

Jesus:
My time
Is almost through
Little left to do
After all
I've tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Seems like thirty

Crowd:
See my eyes I can hardly see
See me stand I can hardly walk
I believe you can make me whole
See my tongue I can hardly talk

See my skin I'm a mass of blood
See my legs I can hardly stand
I believe you can make me well
See my purse I'm a poor, poor man

Will you touch, will you mend me Christ?
Won't you touch, will you heal me Christ?
Will you kiss, you can heal me Christ
Won't you kiss, won't you pay me Christ?

Jesus:
Oh, there's too many of you, don't push me
Oh, there's too little of me, don't crowd me
Heal yourselves!

within

Through their own conduct [people] often lock themselves out of the best that is within them. Only afterward do they realize how poor they have become. They have cut themselves off from the world of goodness and beauty within them. . . . So many people have to bear this burden. It is what makes them lose heart. They pass a garden and know that the flowers blossoming in it are no longer for them.
— Albert Schweitzer, quoted in Thoughts for Our Times, Peter Pauper Press, 1975

загуба на настояще в спомен за болката

На Д.Р.
Съблечи паметта от настоящето. Горещо му е и не може да тича, да се пързаля и да се люлее. Спокойно. Няма да настине. Винаги можеш да го облечеш, като му стане студено. Сега го остави да тича.

Rajshree Patel talks about Power of Breath - Sudarshan Kriya

I'm nobody! Who are you?

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

- Emily Dickinson

смях

Искам да съм бременна с теб
Позволи ми да те обичам,
Както бих обичала детето в утробата си
Дали ще мога?
Да обичам смеха ти, когато си вън от мен
Да обичам смеха на всички хора в утробата си?
Да те приема в нея,
Щом вече съм била в твоята?

Hún Jörð

Кой би предположил, че Sigur Rós са способни на такива неща? :D

Our Mother, who art in Earth,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
On us as it is in you.
As you send Thy angels every day,
Send them to us aswell
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those
Who trespass against you.
And lead us not into sickness,
But deliver us from evil,
Because yours is the earth
And the body
And the health
Amen.

softly be

Don't try to figure it out. It's too simple for intellect/the mind.
And then, and this is good...
Just softly (right? softly)..be with what informs you that you exist.
Righto cheerio? It's simple. No need to complicate it...
I like the softly be with that which informs you that you exist. Yea. That is all that is necessary..all the rest ain't...necessary...okay? Take care...and once again...softly be...
- Bo

Consecration of the Space

In the Infinite Circle of the Divine Presence which completely envelopes me, I affirm that:

There is only one presence here -- it is HARMONY, which creates a vibration in all hearts of happiness and joy.
Whoever enters here will feel the vibration of Divine Harmony.

There is only one presence here -- it is LOVE. God is love, which envelopes all beings in a single feeling of unity. This sanctuary is filled with the presence of love. In Love, I live, I move and I exist.
Whoever enters here will feel the pure and holy Presence of Love.

There is only one presence here - it is TRUTH. All that exists here, all that is spoken here, all that is brought here is the expression of Truth.
Whoever enters here will feel the Presence of Truth.

There is only one presence here -- it is JUSTICE. Justice reigns in this sanctuary. Every act practiced here is ruled and inspired by Justice.
Whoever enters here will feel the Presence of Justice.

There is only one presence here -- it is the presence of God, who is GOODNESS. No evil can enter here. There is no evil in God. God, who is Goodness, dwells here.
Whoever enters here will feel the Divine Presence of Goodness.

There is only one presence here -- it is the presence of God, who is LIFE. God is the essential Life of all beings. He is the health of body and mind.
Whoever enters here will feel the Divine Presence of life and Health.

There is only one presence here -- it is the presence of God, who is PROSPERITY. God is Prosperity because She makes everything grow and prosper. God expresses Herself through the Prosperity of all that is carried out in Her name.
Whoever enters here will feel the Divine Presence of Prosperity and Abundance.

Through the esoteric symbol of the Divine Wings, I am in harmonious vibration with the universal currents of Wisdom, Power & Joy.
The Presence of Divine Wisdom is manifested here.
The Presence of Divine Joy is deeply felt by all those who enter here.

In the perfect communion between my lower self and my Higher Self, which is God in me, I consecrate this sanctuary to the perfect expression of all divine qualities which are in me and in all beings. The vibrations of my thoughts are the forces of God in me, which are stored here and hence radiated to all beings -- thus establishing this place as a center of giving and receiving of all that is Good, Joyful and Prosperous.

detachment

Whatever is on my mind, I say it as I feel it, I'm truthful to myself; I'm young and I'm old, I've been bought and I've been sold, so many times. I am hard-faced, I am gone. I am just like you.
- Henry Barthes (Detachment)

from the atom to the universe

"Sooner or later nuclear physics and the psychology of the unconscious will draw closer together as both of them, independently of one another and from opposite directions, push forward into transcendental territory, the one with the concept of the atom, the other with that of the archetype" - Jung

The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living

by d u o

Damien Hirst - I Am Become Death, Shatterer of Worlds

(c) Reuters

Logos Police

Logos Police
Arrest this man
He thinks too much…

Полицията на Логос
Оглежда главата ми за мисли
Намира
Полицията на Логос
Заслепени пеперуди
В отчаян полет
Към мантрата на тавана
Лови ги в мрежи
Хвърля ги през носа
Издишам
Полицаи, мисли, мрежи, пеперуди
Излизам
Забравих лампата светната

истината

- Когато истината изпълни заблудата и я разтвори в себе си, тя се връща в себе си.
- Значи истината е, че заблуда няма? Но какво е истината без заблудата?
- Точка без маса.
- Значи истината я няма?
- Да, без заблудата истината е слънце без лъчи.
- Но слънцето поглъща лъчите. Тях ги няма!
- Да, никога не ги е имало.
- Но тогава за какво са й лъчите?
- Заблудите ли?
- Проявленията - за какво са й те?
- За да съществува.
- Без тях тя няма да съществува?
- Да.
- Значи истината не съществува?
- Истината не съществува.

:)

"Страхът е любов, обърнатa с главата надолу."

- Шри Шри

what for? what truth?

No joy and not much changed
I'm still here same old way

How long? Where to?
What for? What truth?

And it's strange you can tell
Always leave, never dwell
Running, restless ache
Must believe for heaven's sake

Don't know where to go
Hung by a thread I'm misled
How long? Where to?
What for? What truth?

aha

soul energy

Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

o0o0x0x

by o0o0x0x

all gone

This quality won't come again
Completely overwhelmed with nothing
Compare, acquire to the pain
Just tell them everything is perfect
We were already down on the floor

OSI - For Nothing


Hope is the last thing that he needs
Hope is a candle that feeds
Off of the edge
And it needs almost nothing
Hope only got us so far
And the saddest thing is the wind
That blows your head
On the seeds of our Nothing

we will be ephemeral


Slowly recognize the scale

We will be ephemeral

We will be ephemeral



Fact isn't what you see
Not anymore
, what it used to be

,
Fact isn't what you see
Not what it used to be

I'm flowing with black water

Into a loss of surgency

Into a loss of surgency

we are all everything at once

Once we understand that the integrity of our personal existences are completely dependent on the integrity of everything else in our world.
We have truly understood the meaning of unconditional love.
For love is extensionality and seeing everything as you
and you as everything can have no conditionalities, for in fact, we are all everything at once. (Peter Joseph, Zeitgeist Addendum)

but you catch yourself trying

Salt water rising
On a beautiful day
The flood only washing the wants away
Cool light in the sun
And you're still where you begun

Long have I waited here for nothing to come
The sequence of twisted turns
That can't be undone

But you catch yourself trying....
But you catch yourself trying....
But you catch yourself trying....

141354235252 пъти.

a glimpse of her grace

Oh, I swear
Saw her right out there

Caught a glimpse of her grace,
Slightly misplaced.

She’s around
Without audible sound

Covers the mood with a gloom,
She’s alone in the room.

Today time froze
And I will need a cause
To carry on on my own

The walls are melting
The walls are melting
The walls are melting
The walls are melting

10 898 м. под водата

Please don't bother me
Sleeping under the sea
Where I've found peace
Found my sweet release

Oh the world doesn't spin
Around You

just a bad dream

Дара: Целуни ме и тогава решавай.
Не: (...)
Не... Не... НЕ. Тази вечер ще си легнеш, утре ще се събудиш и аз ще съм едно от лошите неща, които са ти се случвали.

(please put me to bed
and turn down the light)

fold down your hands
give me a sigh
put down your lies

lay down next to me
don't listen when I scream
bury your doubts and fall asleep

find out I was just a bad dream

let the bed sheet soak up my tears
and watch the only way out disappear
don't tell me why
kiss me goodbye

for neither ever nor never
goodbye
neither ever nor never
goodbye

My heart leaps up when I behold

MY heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began,
So is it now I am a man,
So be it when I shall grow old
Or let me die!
The child is father of the man:
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

- Wordsworth

We're All One

Колкото повече дълбае тъгата, толкова повече освобождава място за радост. ~ Джубран

родос

- Хората, които все повтарят, че са добре сами, се самозалъгват, защото е естествено да искаш човек до себе си. Прекрасно е даже.
- Какво значи да искаш човек до себе си? За какво ти е той? А ти за какво си му? Живее се за мига. Тук е реката, скачай!
- Тук е Родос, скачай...
- Ами да, това като хората, дето мечтаят за България на Асеневци. Няма България на Асеневци, има България на Бойко Борисов, това е.

7

Творецът е 7.
Всеки е 7.

For I am the first and the last.
I am the honored one and the scorned one.
I am the whore and the holy one.
I am the wife and the virgin...
I am the barren one, and many are her sons...
I am the silence that is incomprehensible....
I am the utterance of my name.

WHY WE BELIEVE IN WHAT WE DO?

For I am knowledge and ignorance
I am shame and boldness
I am shameless; I am ashamed.
I am strength and I am fear.
I am war and peace.
Give heed to me.
I am the one who is disgraced and the great one.

WHY WE BELIEVE IN WHAT WE DO?

And they will find me there,
And they will find me there,
And they will find me there,
and they will live,
they'll not die again.

lightning

Constantly forgiving you and myself is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

heraclitus on sleep

"A person in (the) night kindles a light for himself, since his vision has been extinguished. In his sleep he touches that which is dead, though (himself) alive, when awake touches that which sleeps."

"Even sleepers are workers and collaborators on what goes on in the universe."

"Death is what we see waking. What we see in sleep is a dream."

“It is not appropriate to act and speak like men asleep.”

“Men forget where the way leads and what they meet with every day seems strange to them.We should not act and speak like men asleep.”

нищо

Няма нищо за приемане,
Нищо за отхвърляне,
Нищо за разтваряне!
Нищо за задържане,
нищо за оставяне,
нищо за разтваряне!
Това е истината.
Няма нищо за схващане,
Нищо за отърваване,
Нищо за разтваряне!
Това е цялата истина.
Няма нищо за прегръщане,
нищо за напускане,
нищо за разтваряне!
Свободен от привързване,
Свободен от желание,
Тих.
Макар такъв, аз съм Истинското Същество,
о, какво чудо!
Но в това Себе
няма нищо за постигане
и нищо за премахване.
Когато липсва този претенциозен малък аз,
тогава има свобода.
Аштавакра Гита, Сатялок, Индия

devin - ghost

How, everybody?
How about a body at moonlight
How about a body at home
How about a body at moonlight,
How our body's alone
I don't want to bother your moonlight
I don't want to bother your soul
I don't want to bother your moonlight
How our body's alone
Say, Cold
Cold,
Cold.
How about a body at moonlight
How about a body at home
How about a body at moonlight,
How our body's alone
I don't want to bother your moonlight
I don't want to bother your soul
I don't want to bother your moonlight
How our body's alone
Say, Cold
Cold,
Ghost.
Tonight.
Bathe in the light…
It's alright.
Say, Cold
Ghost...
Ghost...
I'm out of body at moonlight
I'm out of body at home
I'm out of body at moonlight
How our body's alone
I don't want to bother your moonlight
I don't want to bother your soul
I don't want to bother your moonlight,
How our body's alone
Tonight, tonight.
Soothe your mind.

йес, бе!

Деси намери рийдъра!

винаги

Заблудила съм се.
Не е самовнушение.
Тя винаги е истинска.
Но испанците са по-прави от сърбите.
Защото тя е липса.
Пространство и празнота.
Да, всички космически филми са любовни.

lucid dream journal 2

Really foggy lucid dreams, I was very tired.

I had the waking up within the dream phenomena for the first time tho which was fun!
Ehm, all I remember was:
1. I was trying to talk to random people about my bachelor thesis and it worked - they told me stuff I hadn't figured out.
2. I asked my mom what would make her happy? She replied: holding two baby gloves (meaning my son's and his little friend's)
3. I told a guy in a shop he was beautiful - he was an old guy, and he was reeeeally peculiar, and I told him he was beautiful cause I was amazed what my own imagination created. Everyone around started clapping, haha. Me clapping to myself, ain't I egocentric?
4. I was showing a girl at home how flying around is a piece of cake. She asked: "Well, what if it's a terrible dream?"
I told her: "Well, then you jump off the window, and kill yourself."
Which was funny cause I think life is a dream, but killing yourself in real life would be considered insane.

I think that's it. Really chaotic this time, I should sleep more.

i discovered that if you don't trust the dream and start pushing toward a certain goal, things around you totally screw up. you wanna see your dad in the dream but all of a sudden you end up in australia (that's dream reality, totally illogical) and you're mad cause you couldn't see your dad. if you were just enjoying the trip to australia, everything would've been fine. just go with the flow, and know that life / the dream ALWAYS surprises you.

сарва бхутани ча атмани

П.: Преди три месеца Шри Кришна отново се появи пред мен и ми каза: „Защо ме молиш за ниракара упасана? Себето е във всичко и всичко е във Себето (сарва бхутешу ча атманам сарва бхутани ча атмани).
М.: Това съдържа цялата истина. Дори това знание е индиректно (упачарика). Всъщност няма нищо освен Атман. Светът е единствено проекция на ума. Умът възниква от Атман. И така, Атман е Единственото Битие.
П.: Все пак е трудно да се осъзнае.
М.: Няма нищо за осъзнаване. Той вечен, чист, буден и свободен (нитя, шуддха, буддха и мукта). Той е естествен и непреходен. Няма нищо ново за постигане. От друга страна, човек трябва да се освободи от невежеството си. Това е всичко.
Това невежество трябва да се проследи до източника му. За кого е това невежество? За какво човек е невеж? Има субект и обект. Тази дуалност е характеристика на ума. Умът произлиза от Атман.
П.: Да. Самото невежеството не може да съществува.
Най-накрая той се отдаде, казвайки: „Също както докторът научава кое не е наред с пациента и го лекува според диагнозата, нека така стори и Бхагаван с мен.”
Той каза също, че е загубил всякаква склонност да изучава книги и да се ръководи от тях. - Разговор 104
- Рамана Махарши

паралелни спомени (николай николов)

напоследък се събуждам нощем студен
и издишвам мисли от лед.
издишвам мисли за теб.

вдиш-вай-ки вся-ка се-кун-да,
бавно се уча наново да дишам,
часовникът ме влудява,
а в лудостта си се питам -

ако замразя цялата стая с дъха си,
ще спре ли времето тук?
ще се събудя ли в някое бъдеще,
в което животът е друг:
когато науката дава отговори вместо въпроси,
когато ще мога да знам
какво да направя
или най-добре
как
да
забравя?

тогава притварям очи
и пътувам между световете,
които ти ми разкри.
а там някъде паралелното ми "аз"
е щастливо
(и спи).

из the destruction of small ideas

За невъзможното трето (Cadaurus)

ако да - ще бъдем
ако не - ще пишем
няма изход от идилията

из Accidents In Mutual Silence

мда

- Непреходно ли е?
- Не.
- Непреодолимо ли е?
- Не.
- Тогава? Какво чакаш?

lucid dream journal 1

This morning was phuuun, phuuun! I had two lucid dreams:

Dream 1

I go into my dream body: I'm at home, my mom is in bed. I rub my hands, look at them, this moment is always exhilerating. I try spinning so I can stay in the dream. My mom is not very surprised, I often do it in real life so nothing new here. It's dark outside and I don't like it. I start snapping my fingers towards the window and saying: "Light! Light! Light!" and the sky is getting lighter. My mom, however, gets mad:

"Light, light - what is it with you people with this constant longing for light?!"

(Philosophical, eh?)
It didn't get totally sunny the way I wanted it though.

Then I hear my son laughing, I see him sitting on a chair and pick him up - he's like 2 years younger, and I'm like: "Oh my Goooood, Yoyo, you're so small and light!"
I was so happy to see my baby son that I awoke.

Dream 2

I guess it was a WILD cause I got into my dream body, I was at a secluded area somewhere in the mountains - hand rubbing and looking again, and I decided to fly over the trees. I flew over a city to a sea shore and a beach. Then it got very dark, I was at a pool or something, sitting next to a chubby aging guy who was pretty happy and cynical. I asked him:
"Who are you?"
He was like: "Well, isn't this the scariest question of all? I'm the answerer. (Отговорчикът!)"
Then I saw my son in the water and asked him:
"Are you happy?"
"Why?", he replied.
It's getting more and more philosophical, and I love it. "Why" is a great answer to "Are you happy?" It's like... happiness is a natural state and asking about it only spoils it.

Then someone told me that my son's teacher hurt his leg or something, and I got scared => lost my lucidity.

******** riders

Това е най-сериозното нещо, което някога ти се е случвало... и то не е сериозно! :D

Номерът е не да ги гледаш фракталите, а да осъзнаеш, че ти си фрактал и да видиш колко е секси и смешно!

Пусни се.

Махай! Махай! Махай!

Когато се събудиш в съня, няма страх.

Нямам толкова мана, Даниел, нямам толкова мана.

- Сънувам ли, Зу?
- Да, сънуваш.

Защо е толкова силно? Искам да го махна от себе си, искам да го махна от себе си!

Обективната истина е субективна.

Ти си истината.

An infinite loop of catharses ad absurdum.

И тя казва: "Само едно нещо се иска, едно-едничко, за да се слееш с мен - изхвърли си разсъдъка..."

На хора като Alex Grey, Хъксли, Блейк, Анри Мишо, Майстер Екхарт и всички останали мистици трябва да се изгради паметник, че изнамират силата да го опишат. Ако ще и калпаво.
И пак имам чувството, че сън съвсем в началото...

Прозявка през плач през смях: Оставете ме да заспя! Защо би искал да се върнеш в съня?

Soen - Canvas

i have discovered a canvas
behind its colors i forge myself
meanings below that we set up low
and suddenly i see
that everyone is blind but me

i have discovered a canvas
deep in the sea of this harmony
cosmic embrace
a solace portray of endless energy
visions are moving away from me

concentrate, don't lose your illusion

don't let them provide a solution
you're faint in your head
close your eyes from false shining lies
made to confuse us all
architectures of domination
society they call

i have discovered a canvas
using its colors i saw my Self
breaking the norm
induce a reform, defy insanity
bred in the care of my vanity

see them entirely abstract
out of the orbit we comprehend...

harmony

never fought harder than this
i built my temple on this
pushing, fighting, bleeding, taking, giving
every second closer to the ceiling
i will assemble all this
down to the last broken piece
tension in the atmosphere is lower
gravity is slowly taking over

lucid

А всъщност въпросите "Буден ли съм?" и "Сънувам ли?" са еднозначни. :)

TRIP #4

by jbark

So this is the trip I need help understanding. It floored me. It horrified me to my core - humbled, baffled, obliterated, and scattered me like nothing else has. It made me swear off spice and all other entheo/psychedelics forever...

Now, had I been alone, no big deal. I don’t frighten easily (another classic sign of stupidity), but with my son there I had a revelation: if it came down to it and a bear came charging out of the woods at us, I felt certain that I would run, drawing the beast away to sacrifice myself to save my son . I don’t take this lightly : it was the first time I realized, despite all the philoso-babble to the contrary, that you can indeed commit a truly selfless act. It freaked my selfish little self out. I was terrified (for the first of two times that day as I was to discover later…) - terrified both for my son and by the realization that if a bear did present itself, I would die a grizzly death (pardon the pun…).

First of all, much respect to those who can navigate these deep swampy waters; I for one have no vessel and no oar, and in the absence of a keel to direct the path, I am lost lost lost and fear I shall never be found for there is nowhere to be found and no one to find or do the finding and nothing but this maelstrom, this void that is as empty and vacuous as anything my imagination can behold…

Massive primary coloured letters of sorts – most indecipherable, but at least one a strange permutation of the capital letter E, hurtling toward me without really moving in the chaotic miasma that I am in/that is in me/that is me.

Thrust into the maelstrom and stripped so profoundly of the impression that « I am » and that I exist, that whatever is left of me is thoroughly convinced that all I believed I had experienced, up to now, reveals itself, like a dagger through the heart of the mind, as an elaborate illusion to which I shall never return. Worse than cessation, more painful than the thought of death is the realization that you NEVER WERE… (note : I have, in my clearer moments, accepted my death and have faced it numerous times with other materials, but this, as with my experiences with salvia, was of an order more disturbing, to say the least…)

In the midst of the mess was a chorus : « it’s Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, it’s Saturday » screeching across the vista of my mind, until, sitting up and opening my eyes in a futile attempt to dispel the hell, I realize, seeing the room utterly transformed, that it is me screaming the day of the week – but it’s not me as well. And it’s Sunday. And I am never coming back to know what a day of the week is, because there is NO BACK TO, NO FROM, AND NO TO (let alone the mundanity of a day of a week of some year in some life). (note : I had a similar salvia trip where my field of view was filled with orange monochromatic, puffy and expanding, thick, black-outlined cartoon school buses, and a similar chorus was singing, invitingly, menacingly and with ambivalence all at once in voices that were a dis/harmony of insectoid screeches layered over the clearest of sopranos : « it’s Wednesday, Wednesday, it’s Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday… » ; yes, accompanied with the same sensations described above – IT FELT LIKE THE SAME PLACE. Maybe my mind is not constructed for the use of these substances…)

A loop - endless inexorable recursion… I sit up and then fall back into a cartoon abyss of colours and Saturday Saturday Saturday… Endless eternal indomitable recursion, an irremediable feedback loop (note : curiously I have always maintained that video/audio feedback loops are the face/voice of god…) – consciousness itself ? Am I at the root of the Hofstadter loop? The MandelThought ? The firmware of my mind ? Is this a breakthrough, pure and horrifying ? Have I disabled the illusion, unbuilt the edifice of « consensual reality » to get down to the base, most reptilian and ancient form of simple consciousness – a terrifying self-referential eternal loop of non-being ? or un-being ? the horror…

The universe and our consciousness (common and universal or not) is neither good nor evil nor ambivalent, but rather profoundly indifferent, and as neutral as any void can be. I feel this more than I know it.

Once the most intense of these sensations passed, I am able to open my eyes. There is another dimension visible : height, length, width and the passage of time have newly revealed themselves, but in addition to these co-ordinates is another. I don’t need to tell you it was indescribable, but I will nevertheless do my best with these monkey paws and keystrokes. Like trailers from walls and stairs and in the very air itself, but at once so much more than a simple visual phenomenon, I feel I am glimpsing something new to me, but that has always been there. I feel not unlike a beast who understands up, down, to and fro and has a sudden epiphany that it exists also in a universe of passing moments, conceptualizing past, present and future in an instant through the sudden awakening of a new sense.

I realize I am no more than a raw ego-less nerve of consciousness, subjected to a nonsensical and arbitrary string of luminescent and aural detritus. (Note : I meant during the trip, but the cynic in me supposes this could be applied to everyday living…)

It felt about as spiritual as a kitchen knife excoriation. I can only conclude that the spiritual aspect of this substance lies in the interpretation of the experience - but that contradicts my very understanding of spirituality as something felt not thought. I don’t…

I enjoy challenges, but this seems insurmountable, an unassailable task of back and forth and down down down through a self-perpetuating, Sisyphean recursive loop, like a perpetual motion ride past the far reaches of sanity… Where is the value in this ? What wisdom is to be had that cannot otherwise be gleaned ?

Cresting and lulling waves messing with the fine mesh of mind…

Other Spice journeys stimulated, made me think ; this one ground the thinking apparatus to a precipitous halt. Beyond intellect and beyond description and above all beyond even intuitive comprehension. The ball that rolled didn’t only cease to roll, it first became a cube, then vaulted through and beyond the realm of multi-dimensional polyhedra and became an ineffable 8i5v n 843-tg8i’jiknp2… I can’t even attempt to understand. The only questions that remain are whether it is worth returning to hyperspace (assuming I was there…) and – is…it…dangerous… ?

I don’t want to discredit the advice often given on the nexus to remain calm and not to resist, but to me at this point it is analogous to hitting someone in the head with a bat and telling them not to feel the pain (note : I am sure some zen aficionados out there will have something to say on this subject). I suppose I did resist, but I have no clear idea through what mechanism, ‘cause I did not feel there was an active I to resist with. « I » was obliterated, so if there was resistance and an absence of calm, from whence… ?

If you can’t make sense of something because the word sense no longer applies or signifies, then is there a point, a meaning beyond simply an absence thereof ?

At what cost wisdom ? and is it wisdom if it proves unwise ? There are so many paths to wisdom, and none of them promised or guaranteed – therein lies their beauty and value. But in the balance of things, is the price and the risk involved in certain behaviours, along uncertain paths worth the distant possibility of wisdom ? Someone hit by a truck, paraplegic, learns lessons everyday that no one not confined to a wheelchair and incapable of voluntary movement can learn. There is wisdom here that can be learned nowhere else, but no one in their right mind would throw themselves in front of a truck to gain these insights. There are other paths and other wisdoms ; are we throwing ourselves in front of a truck called spice ? Or am I ? Or is it only me that feels this way ?

Thanks for reading ; sorry for the length. Tough write. Not really in my nature to expose myself like this, nor to ask for help. But I guess that’s spice right?

IS WHAT’S OUT THERE'S WHAT’S IN HERE?

The Heritage

The father to his son,
Says you have to be weak to be strong
You have to be scared to be brave,
You have to know fear to be saved
The son to his father,
Says I'm too scared to be a man
I'm too dumb to be a fool,
Father help me understand
And he says
War war war,
War against your soul
Dig dig dig,
Dig your coffin's hole
Everyone must face their demons
And now the turn is yours
Father what's it all about,
Am I too in to get out
Am I too guilty to be free,
Are the whole world sinners or just me
Son you've got the whole thing wrong,
The road is neither short nor long
The answer's neither white nor black,
And it weighs heavy on your back
Go go go,
Go until you're old
Run run run,
Run to catch your soul
Every man must learn to love his demon,
Your demon's name is yours
War war war,
War against your soul
Dig dig dig,
Dig your coffin's hole
Everyone must face their demons
And now the turn is yours

- Martin Grech

Ясен Гюзелев...

...за творческата интуиция и световете, в които физиката и философията се срещат: ЦЪК!

яж желязо

Направи си шейк
От желязо и шоколад
На стружки
Не, по-добре желязо на прах
Изпиваш го и чакаш
Ръждата в кръвта
Докато ръждясаш
Внимавай да не го ядеш
Със свинско
Защото ще остане дълго
Във червата
И всичко това
Защото си вегетарианец

Mantra

Тази мантра стана част от мен
Сърцето ми я диша
Душата ми я диша
Цялото ми тяло я диша
Всяка глътка въздух е мантра
Всяка глътка вода е мантра
Всяка лъжица захар е мантра
Всяка целувка е мантра
Всяка прегръдка е мантра
Всяка песен е мантра
Всяка раздяла е мантра
Всеки страх е мантра
Всяка болка е мантра
Всяко съмнение е мантра
Всяка заблуда е мантра
Всяка любов е мантра
Дишай
Издишай
Сърцето ми я сънува
Мрънка си я под носа
Сънувай спокойно, сърце
Дишай спокойно, сърце
Вече ти инжектираха мантра
И нищо не може да те докосне.

There's a little black spot on the sun today...

Дара: Боли ли те?
Ния: Да.
Дара: Болката е въпрос на избор.
Ния: Значи искам да ме боли?
Дара: Обичаш ли болката?
Ния (смее се): Явно!
Дара: А обичаш ли картини?
Ния: Това какво общо има?
Дара: Обичаш ли картини?
Ния: Много.
Дара: Болката е картина. Опитай се да я задраскаш.
Ния: Това е глупаво.
Дара: Задраскай я.
Ния: Добре.
Дара: Какво виждаш?
Ния: Кръст.
Дара: Ето това е болката. В момента, в който се опиташ да я задраскаш, тя се появява. Цялата тази болка е илюзия. Много по-страшен е страхът от нея. Когато се опиташ да я видиш, тя се появява. Когато се опиташ да я оковеш, се озоваваш с куп железа в сърцето. А ако просто пробваш да пъхнеш пръст в нея, да я хванеш, тя се изпарява. Болката е празно платно, въздух, илюзия. Не я задрасквай. Не я обличай в думи. Не я прави истина.

сърце ала бекет

умирам
трябва да стана
не мога да стана
ще стана

формална логика

Страшен е не Животът, а съдържанието му.

на клубче и половин сандвич ;)

Снежни брегове. По тях пълзи черна боя. Заливат ги черни вълни, които покълват в снега и се просмукват в земята. Черна земя, черни дървета, черни къщи, черни лица, които нямат израз, които ходят всеки ден на работа и светят само в моменти на надежда. Които обичат и стъпват на пръсти, за да не събудят другия, за да не му изкарат ангелите. Всички имаме ангели. Дори демоните са ангели, които ни водят у дома. У дома, където земята не е черна, където дърветата не са черни, където морето не е черно, където хората са цели, където хората са андрогини и се търкалят ведро по слънчевата земя.

парчетата ангели в парчетата хора

Тялото ми се разгражда в струните на музиката. Тялото ми става на атомни частици, които вие всички вдишвате. Това е тялото ми, което вдишвате. Аз гледам как сте се впили в телата си, как сте се вкопчили в коси, кожи, бедра, носове, които вдишват тела, но не вдишват хора. Вие поемате музиката, която направи тялото ми на прах и после правите други тела на прах с музиката си. Облаци от човешки прах засенчват слънцето като скакалци, които отмъщават за човешката глупост - да си вкопчен в тялото си, в глада си, в жаждата си, в органите си, в себе си, в дъха си, в носа си. Във всички тези парченца, които стъпват тихо по земята, за да не събудят другите, за да не им изкарат ангелите. Парчетата ангели в парчетата хора.

m4

Womb. Me and my own embryo.

Me: Who are you?
Embryo: I'm a dead bird.
Me: So you've got wings?
Embryo: Yeah, in my head.
Me: So you've got a head?
Embryo: I've got a head with wings.
Me: This is new age mumbo jumbo! This is bullshit.
Embryo: Bullshit is what bullshit does.
Me: What do you do?
Embryo: I laugh, I dance, I sing.
Me: So you're human?
Embryo: No, I'm a dead bird, I told you.
Me: So humans are dead birds?

m3

Дръж се за себе си
Хвани оголеното си сърце в ръце
Ако не почувстваш нищо
Значи си се научил

m2

Лъчи разкъсват гърдите ми
Хиляди души излитат
Греят с несветеща светлина
След тях идват гълъбите
Малки и сини - водни
Почти като птичката на Буковски
Заливат и давят душите
Които не знаят, че са риби
Всяка има камък на шията
Който я тегли стремглаво надолу
Докато не й пораснат
Перки, опашка, хриле
Най-после съм у дома

m1

Лято е
Мирише на липи
У дома мирише на бездомни
Цвета отнасят надалече
Пият липов чай
Повръщат
Мухите се разтварят в билки
Не са за пиене
А за повръщане

fingertips

Before I can open my all to eager eyes
Everything changes from the oceans to the skies
Perpetual motion sadder place by me
Everything's breathing my air in all of tree

Yet my fingertips
Have a special sound
Yet my fingertips
They go around and round

This comical wisdom
Creeps into my brain
Away of my nerve
And also free of pain

Electrical current
Hallowed be the name
Live my emotions
And vanish all my shame

Yet my fingertips
Have a special sound
Yet my fingertips
Smell of sodden ground

reminder nr. 2

Space
Space
Space
Space
Awake Awake Awake Awake
Да се научиш да ходиш на ...
Да се научиш да ходиш
Да се научиш да не споделяш
Да се научиш да обичаш себе си
Да се научиш да обичаш
Да се научиш да не си гориш ръката
Да се влюбиш в себе си
This will destroy you
Nothing lasts but nothing is lost
It's all Self teaching Self
Обичам ви

малко бисери

"Мисля, че тялотo е достатъчно умно, че да не ти позволява такива волности."

"То си е достатъчно трудно човек със собствените си страхове да се справи, камо ли с нечии чужди..."

:D

northern sky

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky

I've been a long time that I'm waiting
Been a long time that I'm blown
I've been a long time that I've wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind's eye

Would you love me for my money
Would you love me for my head
Would you love me through the winter
Would you love me ‘til I'm dead
Oh, if you would and you could
Come blow your horn on high

let go

остави се да създаваш смисли
не се съпротивлявай на съпротивата
в природата няма напрежение
тревата не се мъчи да расте
планетите не се мъчат да се въртят
водата не се мъчи да тече
защо тогава
защо не се оставиш
да бъдеш човек?

(посветено на пешо и хайваната)

the motherfucking truth

Till a system was formed, which some took advantage of & enslav'd the vulgar by attempting to realize or abstract the mental deities from their objects: thus began Priesthood;
Choosing forms of worship from poetic tales.
And at length they pronounc'd that the Gods had order'd such things.
Thus men forgot that All deities reside in the human breast.

Разходка със завит свят на Хайдегер за забравено зарядно

Някъде в алтернативна вселена се разхождаме в снега и слушаме унищожителна музика по цял ден всеки ден. Някъде снегът не спира никога и не се трупа върху ни, защото има други физически свойства.
Някъде в алтернативна вселена те срещам на улицата и те целувам.
Някъде държиш косата ми, докато повръщам.
Някъде цигарите правят света прекрасен, но не и ужасен.
Някъде снежинките нямат нужда от изтупване.
Някъде в алтернативна вселена трамваят вече е дошъл или никога няма да дойде.
Някъде всичко това вече се е случило.
А някъде не е.
Някъде ти си прекрасен. А дали наистина си прекрасен? Това никой не знае.
Някъде вратите към невъзможното са бранденбургски и това е добре.
Някъде хората в трамвая са безинтересни.
Някъде светът не става черно-бял, когато музиката спре, защото е впита в умовете ни. Някъде слушалките още не са изобретени. Там музиката унищожава всеки миг. И не боли.
Някъде в алтернативна вселена в трамвая се освобождава място и аз потъвам в Хайдегер.
Да, това някъде е сега.
Някъде всеки миг е "ето-на". Някъде месецът е "ето-на" и зимата е "ето-на", и снегът е "ето-на". Някъде истината е нищо. Това някъде е тук, ето на!
Някъде капките по стъклото са човешки пътища, замръзнали в писателския ум.
Някъде опиянението, което вижда техните пътеки като човешки животи е постоянно.
Някъде спомените от тези животи са "ето-на" и не болят.
Някъде в алтернативна вселена се качвам у дома и отпивам глътка вино, за да спре да ми се повръща.
Някъде не мисля за теб на този балкон.
Някъде всичко вече е станало, става и ще стане. И това унищожава.
И е толкова прекрасно, толкова... освобождаващо.
Някъде в алтернативна вселена зарядното го няма, лаптопа го няма и не живеем в тези черни кутийки.
Някъде, ето на, въображението ражда станали светове.
Някъде нищо не може да те отклони от центъра на равновесието вътре в теб.
If wants and needs divide me then I might as well be gone.
Някъде ме няма.
Някъде не съм машина за създаване на смисли.
Мога ли да си го представя?
Не, дори представянето е лъжа. Дори представянето е лепване на смисъл.
Някъде разумът е строшен на парчета.
Някъде до мен някой стене сладко и ме връща в тялото ми.
Свят момент, идея си нямах колко е свят.
Свят и наблъскан със смисъл, чак до гадене.
Моментът, в който се влюбваш в светия свят.
Някъде това малко момиче не мръзне по пуловер в най-големия сняг.
Някъде в ръцете й няма бебе, увито в хавлия, да фък, хавлия!
Някъде в алтернативна вселена аз се качвам горе и й нося едно от десетте си палта.
Някъде бъркам в джоба си и й давам шепата със стотинки.
Някъде баща й просто й купува едно шибано яке втора употреба за 2 лева!
Някъде аз осъзнавам колко маловажни са псевдофилософските ми терзания.
Някъде тези мисли не ме опияняват, а ме отвръщават.
А някъде истинната свобода е просто "оставяне на съществуващото да бъде".

Andacht - Charles Baudelaire

Sei weise, Sorge, lass dich nicht erregen
du wolltest Abend, er bricht an, ist da.
Wenn dunkle Schleier sich auf Dächer legen
ist einem Frieden, andren Sorge nah.
Wenn sich die viehisch grobe Menschenmenge
vom Henkersknecht Genuss gepeitscht zum Fest
hin drängt, nur Reue erntet, Narrenzwänge,
gib, Kummer mir die Hand, geh mit nach West
weit weg von hier. Sieh, wie die toten Jahre
im alten Kleid am Himmelssöller hängen,
Bedauern lächelnd aus der See aufsteigt.
Die Sonne stirbt, liegt unter Bogengängen
und hör nur wie als Tuch der Totenbahre
von Ost nach West die tiefe Nacht sich neigt.

напомняне

(...и пак, на м.)

черупка от морско охлювче
тя ще е моят шамар
обратно в сега
сега сега сега сега
всяка крачка е сега
всяка глътка въздух
всеки удар на барабаните
всяка снежинка
сега сега сега сега
всяко куче
всяко дете на улицата
всяко сърце на улицата
всяка руса мадама
сега сега сега сега
всяка стъпка в снега
всеки полицай
всяка усмивка по телефона
всяко подминаване
сега сега сега сега
всяка снежинка
всяко вдишване
всяка дръпка
всеки любим поглед
сега сега сега сега
всяка мисъл за баща ти
и всяка немисъл
всеки сантимент
напук на циниците

всичко е клише,
но важното е, че го чувстваме, нали?

Amplifier - Insider

The certainty that I am me,
That there is everything that I can see;
That what I percieve is all it appears,
And the belief that I am even here.

It's all in my mind.
Well it's all in my mind.

Into an ocean I am cast, between the past,
And all things that will come to be.
If every choice I make is my own, inside the unknown,
Then how can there be destiny?

Well...
It's all in my mind.
Well it's all in my mind.
And it's all inside.
This is all in my mind.

In every moment I dismiss,
And every metamorphosis.
That from a bud the flowers bloom,
A butterfly from each cocoon.

It's all inside.
Well it's all in your mind.
Then it's all inside.
This is all in your mind.

ревю на tenhi... може би

Tenhi - Saivo

Лежиш в прегръдката на майка си. Тихо - като в стая от памук. От небето свети сняг и мирише сладко. В далечината отеква пиано - чисто като дете в утробата. Цигулките топлят като ръка, която гали корема. Звънът на китарата осветява пианото. Гласове приспиват човек на смъртния му одър. Пианото все още е далеч - зад мъглата на съня. Меланхолия пристъпва тихо, обидно тихо... Разцъфва във акорди. И през облаци печал се процежда кратко щастие. Валсът на тъжната надежда. Валс с призрак. Да, тук мъртвите могат да танцуват или поне си вярват, че могат. Виолончелото тъче бял пашкул и увива света. Песен по-късно той се ражда и полита като пеперуда в църковни прашинки и лъчите на мъжки хор. Всичко е тленно, дори гласът на оплаквачите, пеещи смирено след ковчега.

9 isa

apc - коста

Mother, mother
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother
Far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Father, father
We don't need to escalate
War is not the answer
Only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me, so you can see
What's going on

Father, father
everybody thinks we're wrong
But who are they to judge us
Simply 'cause our hair is long
You know we've got to find a way
To bring understanding here today

Picket lines and picket signs
Don't punish me with brutality
Talk to me
So you can see
What's going on

птиците в сегед

2212 г. Аз и Зу още работим във вестник, но статиите вече са хиперреални симулации. Пускам си новата статия на Зу за птиците в Сегед през 2102 г. (В Сегед отдавна няма птици, затова статията е толкова интересна.) Та. Пускам си я и се озовавам в града под забраденото с птици небе - в дъжд от курешки. Това ми се струва толкова невероятно, че хуквам към Зу да й кажа колко й е добра статията и я намирам спяща в детска количка на улицата. Будя я, при което статията се разпада. След малко я пускам пак и хиляди оловни гълъби се вливат в мен, сякаш правя секс със Светия дух.
Абе, не е добра тая статия. Птиците в Сегед през 2102 със сигурност не са били такива.

Interview with Duncan Patterson (Alternative 4, Íon, Antimatter, Anathema)

(c) Pro-Rock Bulgaria

Congratulations on your new album with Alternative 4. Of course, the first question is - why did you pick that name?

DP: Basically I had to find a name for this new band, and Alternative 4 just stood out. At first I was thinking 'oh god I know what this is going to attract' but I also realised that, as well as being a great band name, I could use this opportunity to clear up over a decade of rumours and being asked the same thing time and time again. The more I think of it the more I appreciate the title, its mysterious without being clichéd plus it suits the music, and you have to remember that not everyone on the planet is obsessed with Anathema.

You say that piecing together an album with electric instruments takes a lot of energy you haven't had in more than 10 years. Why is that?

DP: I just didn't feel like it. I was exploring different things and keeping myself interested in my own creations. With the Antimatter thing I really wanted to take that into a really experimental electronic space. That was the original idea when I came up with the whole concept. Then gradually, as Mick got more involved, I realized that he wasn't into going so far in that direction. But at the same time he is a killer songwriter, so I compromised. Then Mick ended up going back to a similar place where I had already spent years, musically. So I started the Íon thing, which was like a musical detox and really cleaned my system out. So I guess that how I ended up getting that energy back. A change is as good as a rest.

The album is very dark and yet strangely peaceful. How did this happen? Does it reflect a certain humility you've found?

DP: This is something that I don't know how to put into words. When I am working on an album, and I find that certain vibe, thats when all the creativity flows out. And with this album it was, as you said, dark and peaceful and I pieced it together like that. The general concept is not a depressive one, but it is dealing with some sinister things that I would like people to think about. And all of this is coming from a peaceful perspective because thats how I am. I'm not an angry young man anymore.

The album get's even darker when you read its lyrical concept. Sheeple blindly following music, media, even religion - lost in an second hand online world. Is reality really so bleak in your eyes, or is this an art grotesque that's supposed to nudge people?

DP: I've just witnessed things gradually getting dumbed-down over the years and a lot of magical things have been devalued, almost intentionally ignored. I came from a music scene where people who were doing something original stood out and were respected. Its almost like people don't want that anymore. I remember people getting into alternative sub-cultures because they didn't want to be told what to wear or listen to. Now the metal scene for example is the perfect example of being told what to listen to. All the media is monopolised by the big labels and theres no room for anything truely independent and innovative. Same goes for the fashion, even in supposedly 'alternative' scenes its all uniformed these days. To be a celebrity on TV these days requires what? A lot of 'famous' people are put on pedestals by people who dont really know why. Its simply because they're on TV and in the gossip magazines. Its like business over talent, style over substance in all areas. Back to the music, the MP3 generation don't know that magical feeling of buying an album on the day it is released. That magic now, to a lot of people, is being the first person to 'leak' the album on the internet. If I can encourage at least a few people to think then I've done something more than just complaining about it in the pub.

"What a difference a name makes", you said about Alternative 4. People were calling you for gigs before even knowing what the music was like. People want information but the most superficial kind, they don't have the time or energy to delve deeper. Just like sheep, don't you think?

DP: Yes thats what happened. It was amazing and perfectly ironic, due to the album concept and everything. For years I was trying to set up small tours for Íon and the closest I got was "Hmm, why dont we do some kind of acoustic Anathema tribute instead" from the promoters. The name Anathema seemed to blind them. Whereas, if I didn't have that link I'm sure it would have been easy enough to book a string of gigs. That association has been a huge obstacle. People have this perception, even some of my close friends that I have worked with, that I have it easy because of the Anathema link and that I don't need any help with my career. But the opposite is true, I need a lot of help to get past this established 'brand name' now which has been the bane of my career for the past decade or more. Hopefully I can do that with this project, because it is facing the subject head-on. And as for superficial information, you only have to look at Facebook for that. We set up the Alternative 4 band page on Facebook and there were tons of people coming on without reading any of the information, thinking it was an Anathema page. Me and Mark were posting to them "please read the info section" to no response. If I merely mention the word Anathema on my music page I'll get 100 'likes' but if I post important news about the new album it doesn't get anywhere near that. At the same time though there are a lot of people that email me and are sincere about music, and respect and understand what I'm trying to do. I guess a lot of people who are attracted to my work are quiet, complative characters. It'd be nice to see a lot more people like that.

"Businessmen and general parasitic people who are like flies around shit at the smell of ‘success’, where peoples general wellbeing is taken out of the equation."
Actually, this is the reason for the Occupy Wallstreet protests. The problem, however, with these protests is that people have no clear demands, nor leadership, and it looks like an emotional but chaotic movement. What can we really do in your opinion?

DP: Theres a buzz about all the 'Occupy this and that' stuff and its cool that its being brought to light. Though there will be a lot of people who are just following (this is a common theme right?). But awareness is being raised about a lot of those subjects and its good to see people rising up and asking questions. I think we just need more of that, more thought and responsibility in general, more questioning and taking control of our lives. And that goes for what we eat, how we deal with doctors and our health, how we choose to earn money, who we vote for, do we actually rest? Many many important things that people don't give a second thought. For years now I have had a big interest in healing. From energy healing to nutritional healing, meditation, juice fasting and things. And I receive criticism for this from friends and even my own family for 'taking all that weird stuff' which is actually vitamins and essential minerals. And every 6 months or so I do a full detox cleanse where I don't eat animal products or drink alcohol. I always find during that time my friends and family trying to make me eat junk food or go out drinking. Every time, its bizarre and I don't know if its a subconscious thing or what. The majority of people are programmed though and maybe theres a fear of change with those people.

"With the owners anxious to get home to upload it onto the internet..."You say that we are on the brink of change but I don't quite believe it. Yes, it's always darkest before the dawn but people are getting more and more addicted to the internet - it's turning into a sickness, and very few are noticing. It's like a virus you cannot escape because you can't function without it. Scientists are actually developing chips that get implanted in your head so you can browse the net with your mind. On the brink of change? Really?

DP: I hope that we are on the brink of a positive change. On one hand I have seen a big shift in spiritual awareness in the last few years yet on the other hand I see people everywhere with Facebook on their phones, ignoring each other is bars and that. There are many positive things about the internet, but you're right about the addiction thing. I spend a lot of time online when I'm not touring or travelling. I do a lot of my work and networking online but I also enjoy just relaxing and keeping in touch with friends from around the world. I need to get out and do things though, I have itchy feet by nature. I remember when I did the Camino de Santiago Compostela a few years ago, and I raised a load of money for charity online. Many people were saying to me "I wish I could do that too" and I was encouraging them just to get up and do it. Obviously some people have families and can't take time off work but a lot would just be sat at home online. After 2 weeks of walking in nature it becomes obvious what we need and what a lot of us are missing. It would be the perfect 'cold turkey' for internet addiction.

I know you're not a fan of major record labels because it is like "somebody else is drawing your way or image in music for you instead of being "free" in creativity which is the way a musician or an artists should do". This idea fits perfectly to the Brink's concepts. Limits in thinking and creativity, selling your music and soul for money and fame... Am I right?

DP: Yes thats correct. I remember when I first founded Antimatter and we had a 3 track demo tape (a cassette!!) one of the major labels were interested. I'd already told Mick that I had no interest in signing to a major label whatsoever, and this was before they suggested that we make one of the girls 'the face of the band' and build everything around her image. There were no girls in the band, it was always just me and Mick, so you can see where I'm coming from with that. Yes, its possible that we could have reap financial rewards from it, but also highly possible that they could have decided not to invest in us after all, after being under contract for years and screwed up our careers. If it was just money and attention that we were looking for we would have tried to make fashionable music for starters. Mick is naturally more 'mainstream' than me because of his musical taste, but even with that he treasures his songs immensely. I'm often criticized for my songs being too long and monotonous, but thats what I do, thats my style. I don't do that by accident whilst trying to write 3 minute catchy pop songs and getting it wrong. And its often metalheads who complain about this, whilst my friends who have not boxed themselves into any particular scene would comment something like 'this sounds like music from a weird film'. Limitations can also apply to people who think they're open-minded. If I was to release a cliché-ridden gothic metal album that lyrically meant fuck all I'm sure it would be appreciated more by those people.

Do you still think that labels will become obsolete with the expansion of internet?

DP: I think there will always be people who want an actual product. I know some labels are dealing more with merchandise these days and they are very busy with it, so people are still buying stuff. Vinyl editions seem to be getting more popular now, maybe a novelty for the younger people who missed out the first time around. Whatever happens I will never go 100% digital, even if it means I have to write a book with each album.

What inspired "The Dumbing Down"? And is it correlating with Anathema's Destiny? There is Polish in the track - what is the woman saying, why did you pick Polish? Are the women grieving over Destiny's death?

DP: The Dumbing Down is split into three sections. i. The Travesty Waltz. ii. Steakknife's Theme. and iii. Silent Approval. Part 1 is just a play on words about 'destiny is dead' making no sense. Its a tongue-in-cheek retort to something aimed at me long ago. The Polish factor in part 2 is based on something that I witnessed in Poland a few years ago. Two obsessive fangirls chasing after a musician friend of mine, and they ended up turning on me for giving them sensible advice (to basically leave him alone and have some self-respect). I used a similar theme to Destiny because of the last lyric on part 1. Again theres a dark humour about it. Part 3 is the morse code piece 'Committed to ignorance, you let the lying dogs sleep', which is a play on words.

There is Morse code in the track. Could you tell me what it says?

DP: Committed to ignorance, you let the lying dogs sleep.

Please explain the two song titles - Automata and Autonoma.

DP: I used Automata in the mechanical sense, people following without thinking. And Autonoma is the passage into becoming autonomous, independent and de-programmed, so to speak. Thats why it's a long monotonous piece of music with a pleasant climax. It requires a bit of thought to understand and feel it, which I know will go over a lot of peoples heads. But I'm not going to dumb-down my creations to cater for ignorance.

Did you travel to Australia to record the guitars and vocals with Mark Kelson?

DP: Yes I flew to Melbourne for the vocals and guitars. I had to anyway, as I played a lot of the guitar on the album. But I couldn't have recorded any other way than to be in the studio with Mark and go through all the parts. We worked really well together, Mark is a great sound engineer as well as a singer/guitarist. I'm proud of the way he approached this album because he is a writer himself and I know it won't have been easy to sing someone elses words in someone elses style when he is used to his own natural way. He did great and he knows what the album is all about. He has been making music for a long time and has witnessed similar things that I have.

What feedback have you gotten from the people you've given The Brink? Have Vincent and Danny heard it?

DP: Most of the reviews have been positive and a lot of people from the old times have written to me and told me they felt nostalgic after listening to it. I like that. The only negative ones have been the journalists writing that I'm "taking ideas from Anathema". Which, again, is perfect irony because they were all my ideas in the first place. In fact the musical shift from death metal to the Alternative 4 album was more or less down to me. I don't think Vinny or Danny have heard it yet but Vinny has been helping me to promote the tour online and stuff. I'll pass them copies whenever I see them next.

What's your dearest memory of the time with Anathema, and the most terrible one?

DP: I think it has to be the first European tour that we did in 1994. We were headlining with At The Gates and Cradle Of Filth supporting. It was wild, like a bus full of juvenile delinquents with a free bar every night. We were all young and (mostly) irresponsible. The most terrible one was the disrespect that I felt at the time that I was quitting the band. I had just written the majority of the 2 albums that made people stand up and take notice of the band, yet there was only really Danny who appreciated that. Well he had no problem giving me the credit for it. We were surrounded by some horrible parasitic people at that time and I just felt so hard done by.

And with Antimatter?

DP: With Antimatter it was the Lights Out album and the tour that followed it. The gig in Istanbul was magic and people were singing along to all of the songs, even from Lights Out that hadn't been released there. That was a great night, and a huge contrast to Greece where they were just shouting out requests for Anathema songs. The low point, again, was when I quit the project. Mick wasn't happy with the way things were going, and I was doing all of the work so I didn't feel that my efforts were valued. Its difficult when stuff like that happens between good friends. It was sad to walk away from a project that I built up, but in the long run it was great for me to get away from it all and 'cleanse' like I mentioned before. That ended up becoming the point in my life where I made a huge spiritual shift and shed away an awful lot of negativity, both internal and external.

What are your favorite Antimatter songs?

DP: Of my own compositions its Flowers & Reality Clash. From Mick its Psalms & The Art Of A Soft Landing.

What's going on with ÍON? Do you plan any new releases?

DP: I will work on the third album when the time is right. Its a concept about 'the travellers rest', generally touching on the need to refresh and recharge. Expect a lot of drawn-out ambient passages. I'm looking forward to getting into this when I'm ready.

What do you remember from your last visit to Bulgaria? There are legends being spread that you forgot your jacket with all your credit cards, then a guy sent it to you...

DP: Ah Ivo! Good man, he invited us back to his house to drink gallons of red wine and I mistakenly put his jacket on when I was leaving. It wasn't till I woke up on a train to Serbia that I realised I had left my jacket, phone, and credit cards at his place. He kindly send it back to me though, and I returned his. Bulgaria can get wild can't it? And, for all of my talents, saying 'no' to a party isnt one of them.

You have so many great projects, and yet people still introduce you as "that guy from Anathema". Does this annoy you?

DP: Yeah, as I said before it has been the bane of my career. I could write 'Revolver' now and people would still do the same. I have considered releasing music under a pseudonym and I may well do it in the future. At least for the 'social experiment' aspect.

Why did you leave Anathema?

DP: It was something that was on the cards for years. I was carrying the band, both musically and in every other sense. The guys got very lazy after Darren went and I was left to deal with everything. Danny went through a difficult period in his life around the time of Eternity and I stood up and took the musical reigns while he wasn't so creative. Thats how I ended up writing lyrics on his tracks, as he didn't have the energy or motivation at that time. I was always living in the hope that the guys would start to take more responsibility, but it never happened. Then around the time of Alternative 4 we were having big problems between us. A lot of it was a lack of communication, which we were all guilty of. And there were problems between all three of us, not just me versus Danny, which seems to be the accepted version of the tale. As I said earlier, we were surrounded by real parasitic people who were giving each of us their own 'advice' to basically play us off against each other and take advantage of whoever ended up leaving or being fired. We were very close to splitting up and then a family tragedy struck for the brothers. It was then that I put it all into perspective and told Danny and Vinny to sort out their differences and continue the band, and I decided to pursue another project. That was a pure gesture from me out of goodwill and decency. I'm glad I came away with my head held high. But after that I was shit on from a great height. I was stopped from making music, silenced in the press, and lied about and defamed in big magazines. I had my royalties stopped (illegally) and I was in a dark place for a while. I didn't deserve that at all. Then a couple of years later I bumped into Danny in a club and he helped fix a lot of the problems. He made sure that I got paid again and apologised for the band making me the scapegoat for their own chaos and guilt. I also bumped into someone who was close to Vinny at the time who told me "WE didn't mean to hurt you, WE had to do what was best for the bands image after you left". She used the word "WE" which confirmed that she was involved in influencing a lot of that shit. And I wont even mention the name of the guy who unsuccessfully replaced me. He was the ringleader and his departure coincided with me being friends with the guys again. Well, that was no coincidence. Anyway, neither of these people had anything to do with our music or the band. But they managed to force their way in. There were many of those kinds of people around us like vultures. We were young though, and still learning about all this. And the important thing is that we sorted it out long ago and we get along better than ever.

Do you ever regret it?

DP: Not at all, but if I was ever in that position again I would never allow people to defame me like that. There would be legal action for sure.

If you had stayed, do you think Anathema would've changed their sound so drastically?

DP: Well one of the things we were discussing was the use of instrumentation. I wanted to write more piano-based stuff and bring in a female vocalist, use more ambient sounds etc. While they wanted to be more guitar based and heavy, as they famously said during the Judgement interviews. Its funny the way things turn out.

A lot of people say that Anathema has become Danny's solo project, and its only subject is his spiritual path. People want him to give more space to the other members so that subjects can be more diverse. You say Danny is a great composer but actually John and Vincent are brilliant too. Don't you think they should compose more?

DP: I think thats unfair for people to say that about Danny, because without him they would have struggled to write even one album since I quit the band. John and Vinny have their moments but Danny is by far the creative force in that band. It took seven years for their last album to be released, it would surely have taken longer if Danny had have sat back and waited for the others to write anything. At the same time though, I was in the studio with them at their last session and Vinny worked for three days solid on the synth sounds and production side of things. So his work ethic is a million times what it used to be, though composing is a different matter. Its not something that can be forced and not everyone has the ability.

Do you like the positive energy in Anathema's music today? Isn't it too poppy?

DP: I really like their last album. There have been some great tracks on previous albums, but none of them were complete 'albums' to me. WHBWH is a solid album from start to finish. Its not something I would create, or a style that I would be into playing, but it is purely them. It sounds like them and they haven't be afraid of the critics while creating it. That really shines through on the album too, along with all the positive lyrics. Fear should never play a part in creating art.

Danny stopped drinking and smoking 6 years ago - have you ever thought of following his example? Or do you think suffering is what makes good music?

DP: I don't smoke and I take care of what I eat. I also sorted out my unhealthy habits a while ago. Drinking is not a problem for me, it doesn't put me in a dark place nor do I have an addictive personality. I can take it or leave it. But some people can't and I respect Danny for taking responsibility and steering clear of alcohol, especially when you consider that he is surrounded by it a lot of the time. I think when suffering shows through in music its us, the listeners, who relate to it and have that feeling that we're not alone in difficult times. For example I love The Boatmans Call by Nick Cave, which was written during a break-up. I can relate to that and thats why it is special for me. Theres also plenty of good music that doesn't really mean anything, but I cant imagine getting close to something like that, other than for nostalgic reasons if it reminds you of a certain time/place/person.

Everyone knows that Anathema wouldn't be what it is without you. What do you think makes the old Anathema albums so special that people still keep missing them, and want this time back?

DP: I don't think many people know what I did for the band, at least the new wave of 'fanatics' as a lot of it was hushed up at the time of my departure. I was also written out of the band biography by their record label a long time ago. But its true that a lot of people miss the old albums. I think that we did something special back then with the use of melodies and dynamics and so. Also the lyrics were very honest and direct so people related to it. A change of instrumentation is difficult for some people to perceive, and also the whole 'metal' thing. I have had quite a few people telling me things like "I wish you were still in the band, so they would be heavy again and not trying to sound like Pink Floyd", and I feel funny trying to explain to them that it was my fault. I wanted to sound like Pink Floyd , I introduced the guys to Pink Floyd, and I didn't write a metal track since A Dying Wish (which is also very Floydian).

You say that when you were in Anathema some of the demos turned better than the final versions. Which ones?

DP: The stuff that we demo'd for the Eternity album really. They weren't sonically better but had a much better feel to them. We didn't record that album very well and allowed too much instrumentation to go on. Me and Danny should have taken more control over things but he was having a hard time at that point, and I'd never been in that position before as the principal songwriter. So I didn't know how to keep things in order without coming across as a musical dictator or something. Though by the time Alternative 4 came around I had little room to compromise and I kept everything tight and minimal.

I've always been intrigued by the cover of Alternative 4 by Anathema. What is this creature? An astronaut? An angel? What is reflected in the space suit?

DP: It is actually a religious statue that was scanned into a computer. Then used a space helmet visor from one of the moon landing shots. I went to Tim Spears house, the guy who did the artwork, and it took us about an hour to do. I had a few different ideas for the cover but this was the one. As most of the album is about trust, I wanted to use a sinister, thought-provoking image. I was reading a book called Alternative 3 which is about colonising the moon and also touches on the moon landing pics being fake and that. I combined that with religious imagery and came up with that cover. I remember that Music For Nations didn't like the cover, and originally removed the wings and tried to change the 'alternative 4' font, because they thought it didn't fit. I was stubborn though and made sure that they fixed it. They also changed some of the lyrics and punctuation which I had originally typed into their computer in their office. Crazy stuff!

"I remember a night from my past when I was stabbed in the back" - is there a real story behind those lyrics?

DP: Theres a real story behind all of my lyrics. Most of that album is about trust and betrayal, and this was one of those moments.

The end of the song Alternative 4 always makes me laugh - why did you choose this weird accent? And how did German fans react when they first heard it - the holocaust is a very painful subject to them.

DP: We were laughing too, it was intentionally humorous for us and Vinny is a great impersonator. We wanted to make it sound like 1930s style or something. As for the use of the word holocaust, it has nothing to do with Germany or the 2nd World War. I was actually referring to Armageddon. I really don't see how people could connect that song to the nazi atrocities. It wouldn't make sense at all.

Do you have any idea why Les Smith left Anathema?

DP: I do actually, but its not my place to say. Les worked a lot for the band, though more in a managerial role than a musical one. He should be respected for that, as a lot of things just wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been there to sort them out.

Both you and Danny want to do soundtracks. What is so special about cinematic music? Which movie would you make a soundtrack for?

DP: I'm not actually a big fan of movies but I love the audio/visual thing. I'd love to do the soundtrack for my own movie. I actually have an interesting plot for a film that I don't think would work as well in book format. And I have been asking some film students that I know, for years, about working on something together. It will come when the time is right. Its a great concept and a very positive message.

What are your top 5 most personal albums?

DP: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - The Boatmans Call
Lisa Gerrard & Patrick Cassidy - Immortal Memory
The Beatles - Help
Pink Floyd - The Wall
Pink Floyd - The Final Cut

Where do you feel at home?

DP: Ireland is where I have felt more at peace than anywhere else. Liverpool will always be home though. Recently I have taken time to get in touch with old school friends in Liverpool and reflected on times that I didn't give attention to till now. It has been comforting in a way.

After all this years - is it so, so, so terrifying to lose control?

DP: I don't know now, it has been a long long time. But it is unnerving to see my friends losing it, which has happened a few times recently. Thats where my healing research comes in useful.

So are we or aren't we just a moment in time?

DP: We are actually, in this human form, which is what I was writing about. Though destiny can't die, and freedom is not only a hallucination ;)

Is everything energy? :P

DP: It must be. I'm not arguing with Einstein, or that woman who wrote The Secret.

If the doors of perception were cleansed, would every thing appear to men infinite?

DP: Love and magic